Turning a Blind Eye...?
Paton says he believes that kids have been lied to by adults who say that sex can be "safe" when two people use a condom. ASRT is eager to point out that pregnancy rate for teens who use condoms is over 16%. The rates of STD's is much higher since a women can only get pregnant four days out of the month. Check out this exchange between Ed Bradley and Denny Paton:
Ed Bradley: A kid is part of your program, he comes to you and says, "ya know, I'm gonna have sex. I've reached a point, and I'm going to do this." Should I use a condom? What do you say?
Denny Paton: I'll simplify it for you even more. My own daughter comes to me, my sixteen year old daughter, and she says I am going to be sexually active. I would not tell her to use a condom."
Bradley: You wouldn't?
Paton: I would not.
Bradley: Why?
Paton: Because I don't think it will protect her. It won't protect her heart it won't protect her emotional life and it's not going to protect her...I don't want her to get out there and think that she is going to be protected using a condom.
Bradley: Won't she be more protected using a condom instead of not using one?
Paton: Not long term.
I wish he had stuck with the Pastor / teenager example instead of upping it to a father / daughter one. In any case, I believe that sex can do tremendous damage to a person emotionally and spiritually both outside and inside of marriage. The absolute safest place to be sexually involved with another person is within the safety of a committed, loving, and healthy marriage. One of the most important things to me is to help teens navigate adolescents in a way that will leave their spirit and soul intact. I also want to protect them from the physical dangers that teens can encounter as they go through adolescence. Things like suicide, violence, and reckless driving are all things teens have to navigate. Sex is also one of those things that can have a tremendous physical consequence. Those physical consequences are real, permanent, and can be deadly.
So I feel confident about my pastoral responsibilities in the emotional and spiritual issues of sexuality. However, when it comes to the physical ones I am not so sure. Mr. Paton's quote about his daughter seems to be irresponsible if not reckless. However, there was a Bush administration official who summed up the reason why they work on a failure assumption of condoms as opposed to a success rate. He said that telling kids to not have sex is the best, but if you do have sex to use a condom sends a mixed message. He likened it to telling teenagers to not drink and drive, but if you do at least wear a seat belt. I can see his point, but there are some real world problems with that argument.
So is it irresponisble for me to just assume that the schools will handle the physical side of sex and I will just deal with emotional and spiritual? What would be your expectation of a youth minister at your church? Should they just talk about the dangers and stop short of telling them how to protect themselves if they decide to have sex. Am I supposed to react like Mr. Paton and totally disregard the possibility of physical protection with regard to sex?
11 comments:
Wow. Good post, Jason. Very thought provoking. This is an issue I've thought about a lot as a parent. It's scary stuff! Jeff & I want to be the ones to tell our children of EVERY aspect of sex- not just the emotional and phyisical and we certainly would not expect our youth minister to do that! And I definitly don't want the school doing that. I would be naive to think my kid's not going to hear about stuff from other kids at school, but if I can tell him before he learns at school, maybe he'll have a chance. If my kid decides to have sex outside of marriage, I would rather it be safe- but is there any guaranteed way to prevent pregnancy and STD's besides abstinence? When a child makes an adult decision- like that of having sex- he has to accept the adult consequences that may follow-whether it be pregnancy or an STD. And this might happen even if he has "safe sex."
jason,
you need another girl for your blog list. :)
Great questions posed. When I was in high school the thought of becoming a youth minister crossed my mind on an occasion. One of the main reasons that it was able to slide right out is because of delimas like this one. I can imagine that an issue like sex and counselling youth kids about it would be very sketchy territory. I for one was told by my parents what they would rather me do: wait until I was married, but to use protection if I chose otherwise. Actually, that was my mom. My said this, "Son, if you get a girl pregnant, you can't go to college, and you will have to work. You will never be able to have fun again." This was sufficient for me. I knew what my parents expected of me and heeded their wisdom. As for my youth minister. We were very different, and didn't get along on many levels. It was a love/annoyed sort of relationship. Looking back, I think he would have sounded a lot like Pastor Paton. You seem more reasonable than that. So I can't really speak from the Youth Minister side. If I were you I'd probably stick to dealing with the spiritual. But, maybe you can't. Like I said, you got a tough job. If I'd become a youth minister I would have been fired so many times. So many times. I teach in a public school and they think that I'm too liberal.
Kristof wrote an opinion piece related to this back in February article.
Everyone else has said some excellent things. Good stuff.
At 41 with a 15 year old son, I would find it difficult to give the same advice as Paton. It's not that I hope he will be sexually active. But I do hope that if he makes poor choices, perhaps he can maintain his health until he is older and can see the truth about what he has done. To me, Paton's advice has him at the bedside of his daughter, dying of AIDS, and saying, "well, I hate to say I told you so...but...." I find that unacceptable and without grace.
Clinging to an ideal at the expense of real world consequences. That's friggin' crazy, right there. As a married man who's hoping to have kids in the next few years, I think my position would be that there comes a point where "advice" just becomes lip service. (And Jason, you know this applies more than ever to teenagers a lot of times.) :) I think as a parent you have to trust that you raised them correctly up to that point and trust them to make the right decision, rather than demanding that they adhere to a rule you impose (NO CONDOMS!) in order to scare them into abstinence. It's almost as if the incentive is merely a lack of consequences! I agree with Mr. Paton's sentiment that "[condoms] won't protect her heart" but to advise action based upon an emotional ideal to the exclusion of physical safety is ludicrous.
"Clinging to an ideal at the expense of real world circumstances.That's frickin crazy" That got me to thinking....When our children are young and we say, "Don't touch the stove." And they say "Why?" And we say, "Because it's hot." OK. But they still touch the stove and of course, burn their hand. It's never easy for a parent to see their child hurt- but that was a "real world" consequence. And they learn from it and don't touch the stove again, right? Obviously, kids having sex is a much greater circumstance and much riskier and it scares the crap out of me. But if I say, "Don't have sex outside of marriage" And they say "why?" And I say "Because God designed sex for marriage....because you could knock a girl up....because you could get an STD..." Am I supposed to as a parent say, "BUT if you choose to have sex, let me tell you how to do it safely." Do I say, "Don't touch the stove but if you choose to touch it, let me give you a glove so you won't get burned." Honestly, I don't know. I DO know that, as a parent, sometimes my kids learn best when they learn from real world circumstances. I don't think it's ungraceful to not tell my child how to have safe sex. I think it would be ungraceful to not welcome him home with open arms when he screws up.
Jason, you should do a "how do you know you're old?" blog. I would comment on that blog by saying, "I know I'm old when I can't read the small scripted comments because it hurts my eyes to strain them so." In other words, the comment type is too small. Or maybe that's the point: that you want this to be for the young hipsters out there who can see well. Ugh, I just realized I'm old.
There you go. I guess that's the side effect of going to grad school.
I really appreciate all of the comments on this topic, it's given me a lot to think about. I am going to post a follow up tonight.
Jason,
I think kids can distinguish between a physical message and a spiritual message. My mother, a lovely church-going woman, is a strong proponent of sex education in schools. In fact, she was on the first planning board for sex ed in our school system back in the 60s – and she’s been accused of trying to conceal what is taught in the schools by Christian groups because she believes kids should be able to discuss these matters within the relatively safe environment of peers (parents are allowed to preview materials, just not sit in class with the students).
I had had some level of sex education from her as a young child and when I turned nine, she handed me a bunch of materials (circa 1970) to open up discussions with her. At the same time, there was no doubt in my mind where my parents stood on the issue of sex (it was a good thing my mother was so into discussing it, because my father once told me that “seduction” meant to bite someone).
My youth group (after I had already graduated) decided to split the teens up by gender and the girls’ group was taught by a well-meaning, but probably unrealistic woman at our church. She had all of the girls stand up and pledge that they would remain virgins until they were married. One girl refused to, but everyone else did. I know for a fact that several of those girls did not stick to their promise – even when they meant it at the time – and some broke it relatively soon thereafter. The girl who refused to pledge actually remained a virgin longer than some of the girls who did pledge. When the youth minister found out that they were made to pledge, he said that it was wholly inappropriate and the teacher wouldn’t be teaching the youth as long as he was still at the church.
I don’t think kids would necessarily buy even the “sex before marriage is emotionally damaging” bit because they know other kids – and adults – who would say their experiences have not been negative. If kids are told that they’ll be emotionally scared by pre-marital sex, yet their friends or adults they look up to tell them otherwise, they’ll believe they’ve been lied to. What kids need to know (I think) is that as Christians, we are called to something higher than what is acceptable by the world’s standards. Regardless of the facts or what we think might or might not happen, understanding that they’ve committed themselves to a covenant or a higher calling should be the first focus – there are so many reasons why a person chooses to do what they do and even in your diligence, you might miss something. Adults and spiritual leaders and only control so much – you do what you think is the right thing and hope for the best.
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