Sex Pt. 2

First let me say how appreciative I am for all the comments regarding this topic. The comments have been well thought out and have really helped me think in greater detail about this important topic.

Over the past seven years I have seen church going teens breakdown into three broad groups when it comes to their feelings about sex. To be sure there are exceptions, but generally this is what I have experienced.

The first group are the teens who have had limited to no exposure to any Biblical teaching or Christian doctrine. For these kids the idea that the power of sex lies within the emotional and spiritual connection between a husband and wife seems both unrealistic and attractive at the same time. My experience with these kinds of teens is that they have often been very sexually active (depending on age) and they can resonate with the idea of some of the emotional pain that can accompany sex with multiple partners. They tend to "know" more about the technical ways to make sex safe, but they are eager for a greater explanation for how a deeper emotional connection can be made.

The second group are teens that have a genuine desire for their life to reflect their Christian beliefs. A major part of their walk is keeping themselves sexually pure until they are married. They tend to have made up their mind early that they were not going to have sex, and they don't typically have a lot of serious dating relationships. They also exhibit good self control in other aspects of their life. They have relationships other people who have "made it" until they were married and have a fairly good relationship with their parents.

The third group of teens are the ones who know a lot about God and understand what they are supposed to do and not do. However they have a hard time fitting their Christian life in with their everyday life. These kids don't "plan" to have sex, and are likely to make a pledge at one of Mr. Paton's rallies. However, they are probably very sexually active up to the line of intercourse. They guard their technical virginity pretty well until that one time at prom, or that one time on vacation, or that one time at the church retreat. They would never use protection because that would be planning to have sex, and that's premeditated sin.

Of the three groups the most difficult to deal with and minister to, in my opinion, is the third. These are the kids that will have a hard time reconciling what their Youth Pastor says is the negative affects of sex, and what sex actually feels like when they are doing it. For this group, to have premeditated sex (ie to get a condom before hand) is a bigger sin than if sex just happens. So you have this tension between their religious sensibilities and their carnal desires. They really haven't connected to the spiritual aspect of sex like the second type of teen, yet they conceptually know what God wants of them unlike the first teen.

The truth is that sex outside of marriage can be a lot of fun as well as absolutely devastating. I know a big fear for pastors is if some of the physical threats like pregnancy and STD's were minimized through safer sex practices then there is even less incentive for teens to stop having sex. In some Christian circles it's hard for some people to feel sorry for the teen who get's pregnant or contracts an STD because, that's the consequence of sin as they see it. Minimizing the physical consequences lessens the price paid for sin.

JD is the only parent of a teen that commented on this subject. His comment reminded me of the importance of parents being involved in their teens lives. Teachers, youth pastors, coaches, the media, and friends have a minimal impact on the development of a teen compared with his or her parents. Parents have to know their kids, be realistic with where they are, and be open with the realities of life...that includes the bedroom. It's important for parents to be open and honest with their teens about their experiences with sex (both good an bad). Teens will listen to the mistakes and triumphs of their parents. The more parents abdicate their responsibility to have these kinds of conversations with their kids to the schools, media, or places of faith the more confusing the messages of sex can become.

We are all victims of the propaganda of sex that our society has created. I teach kids that sex is at it's safest and most fulfilling within a healthy marriage. But sometimes even I doubt the possibility of a person waiting to have sex who doesn't get married until they're 27 or older! Lauren Winter's book "Real Sex: The Naked Truth About Chastity" puts forth the idea that our chastity is something that isn't just between us and God, but rather it's a relationship that also includes the community. The community of parents, pastors, teachers, and friends all contribute to our teens thinking about sex. I haven't finished reading the book, but I am eager to see what else she has to say.

Sex is a hard thing to talk about within those communities. It's difficult to figure out how to talk about the physical intimacy between people without betraying that intimacy. But we must find a way to communicate that effectively to our kids and teens. It's only when they hear from all kinds of people about the power of sex within their marriage or the danger of sex outside of marriage that they will seek to have an experience that will keep the safe emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Of course we have to have healthy marriages to start with and a healthy understanding of our own sexuality, but that's another post for another time.

It's important for me to know which kind of teen I am dealing with when I am talking about sex. For each type of teen I need to connect them to a relationship with a trusted and spiritually mature person who can mentor, share, and walk with them as they seek to make sense of their sexual mistakes and desire for sexual purity. I also need help empower parents to talk to their kids about sex.

In answer to Mr. Bradley's question I would absolutely encourage the teen who has made up their mind to have sex, to do what they can to physically protect themselves and the other person. I would try to convince them that they are settling for a lot less that what God wants or intended for them, and I would not let that interaction be the final word between us. I would keep asking them questions and continue to be involved in their lives ready for a change of heart or to help pick up the pieces.

We must break the cycle of teens just figuring out the sex thing on their own. We must open up our past in hopes to help a young persons future. We must take our own sexual purity seriously and guard our hearts and bodies against the temptations of this world. Finally we must rely on the mercy of a God who created us and gave this gift of sex in the first place.