Sex Ed.
However, I am curious about something. I am preparing a series of lessons on sex and sexuality for the youth group at church. In thinking and reflecting on this topic I started to wonder what messages the kids have already internalized from the other times we have spent talking about sex.
Upon hearing that we were going to talk about sex and dating, she said "That's so boring! It's the same every-time." After further prodding by me she said, "we all know what happened with you and many of us aren't in that place and never can be, so we are kind of at odds. We need to talk more about how to come back from places we have been."
Of course we do talk about that, but for some reason she hasn't been able to hear it. This time around I am spending a considerable amount of time trying to sharpen and clarify the sometimes murky and grey areas of sex and sexuality. Some areas will remain grey and I am OK with that. That's where I have to trust the conviction of the Holy Spirit in the lives of the teens. But other areas can become clearer and more profound to them. My broad hope is that what they learn from me at 15, 16, 17 will still have merit to them as 24, 25, 26 year olds.
So I am curious. Thinking back on your time as a young person in the church, what do you remember most about the instruction you received concerning sex and sexuality? What good or bad instruction stays with you to this day? Do you feel like the teaching you had is still relevant, or now that you are older and sex is a little more nuanced than in Junior High has it become outdated? Is there anything you know now that you wish you had been told back then?
Anonymous comments are welcome, and I will post my answer soon.
11 comments:
Sex ed. always felt like a list of things that weren't ok, things that might be ok, and things that are ok, and lists of dos and don'ts just didn't mean a lot to me as a teenager. I was above rules, as all teenagers are.
Something that has changed my view on sex since then, is growing to realize how precious my soul is, and how precious the soul of my wife is, and that are souls are intertwined when we have sex. That she is me and I am her, and to do that casually is so dangerous. Once your souls get intertwined, you can't undo them without getting broken.
The great thing is we know someone that is in the soul-mending business.
There is a great series of sermons on sex you can find here, the village church
We didn't have sex ed at church, relying instead on public education. There was a virginity pledge prompted by an elder's wife sometime after I graduated, but that didn't go over too well once the youth minister found out about it. It didn't work either.
Accepting Christ is accepting challenges other people may not want to, or even be required to do. I think the lessons would be more meaningful if the focus was more on this and less on sin, self-control, waiting vs. not waiting, how far is too far - all the typical stuff. None of that works either. Like you said, the Holy Spirit will guide.
I never received formal sex ed at church. Instead, when it was presented, it was basically left at 'wait until you're married.' I wholly subscribe to that, but there has to be more to the education than that. I would have benefitted from learning how to deal with feelings and situations rather than just trying to hold out long enough to get married. Because what happens when you don't get married? Or get married later in life? It's a struggle. I don't know how to equip teenagers for that struggle, but I think it's great that you want to face it.
Many of us grew up in a church that was very quiet about sexuality and I do think that it's a private, sacred thing, but it's important to be able to learn from others and share with others and see that it's normal to struggle.
The closest we got to SexEd in jr/sr high was "Girls and boys are built differently. Girls are turned on with mental and emotional stimulation; boys are turned on by physical stimulation. Girls, don't touch boys. Boys, don't talk to girls about 'love stuff'."
And while that generalization is just that, the one statement that did hold true in every situation is the same one 'That Girl' mentioned: Make your decision before you get into the situation.
Making your decision upfront to keep your God-given gift for your marriage partner will help you stay in position to maintain your promise when it is tested.
I remember talking about sex at church a few times.
The first one I remember was when I was in the 8th grade. It was taught by one of our youth interns and his girlfriend. They talked a lot about waiting until you've found the one you love and will be with for the rest of your life, like they had. Then they broke up a little while later. I'm not saying they had sex while they were dating. But they presented it as if they had all the answers, and then it was pretty disillusioning to discover that they weren't even getting married.
But other things they said stuck. Like make a decision before you get into a situation. And know where your boundaries are long before you reach them. And talk to your boyfriend/girlfriend about your boundaries before you get there. And "if it's covered twice, it's for a reason." That was helpful in deciding my boundaries.
Probably the best thing about that class, though, was that it was taught as part of a whole faith development class that involved our parents. So sometimes we would split up and talk about stuff, sometimes we'd talk about it with our parents. And it wasn't just sex. We also talked about prayer, Bible study, and lots of other things that I can't remember now. That was good.
I happen to have parents that talked to us about sex and sexuality in Christian ways for as long as I can remember. So it's hard for me to remember what I heard at church and what I heard at home. I do know that talking about it helped it to not be quite so mysterious and cool. I mean, if my mom and dad liked it, it couldn't be that cool, right? And learning that my identiy was more wrapped up in Christ than in any man: that was (and continues to be) a hugely important lesson.
I felt like so much emphasis was put on technical virginity, when there are so many other things that are "having sex" that don't include intercourse. I know because I did them all with a variety of guys and it screwed up my thinking when it comes to my married life. It scares me when I think of the teens of today who think nothing of oral sex, etc.
I like the example they give in one of the Alpha Course talks: Having sex is like two pieces of paper that are glued together. Every time you tear them apart, little pieces are left glued to the other sheet of paper. If you take that same piece of paper and glue it to another, then tear, then glue to another, then tear, etc. You leave little bits of yourself with each person. It's true.
"I know because I did them all with a variety of guys and it screwed up my thinking when it comes to my married life."
If you are comfortable, it would be really helpful in hearing how those non-intercourse experiences set you up for a problematic view of sexuality within your marriage.
Please feel free to not divulge that information.
I have a really distinct memory of a youth group retreat where these two women came to talk with us, pretty frankly about sex. I think they even talked about the slang terms for certain sexual acts. I can't tell you any of the details, but I do remember them saying this:
"God doesn't want you to go beyond kissing while standing up. Anything after that will lead to places you can't return from."
I will never forget the gasps in the room (from the teens) and the two guys sitting by me who said "Hell no" (half the teens were way passed that point with each other, so they knew they couldn't go back, and they certainly didn't really want to). Needless to say that this seemed entirely too unrealistic. Funny how I find myself wanting to word those same instructions to my teens in such a way that they might actually believe it to be realistic. I am not sure if it is?
My other memory is of my dad teaching sex-ed to my fifth grade class at my Christian School (he's an OBGYN). It was completely mortifying but I got over it since he continued to be called into my school up until the seventh grade.
I had (and have) a very unique and transparent relationship with my former YM. This proved to be the most powerful thing in my life as I hung onto my virginity with all my might. At each stage of my life this relationship has proven itself to be invaluable as I continue to navigate my way towards a mastery of the flesh, in view of the Spirit.
The one thing we didn't talk about too much was pornography. No one could have predicted how accessible it would be in just four short years after HS. Only now is the church starting to wake up and say, "hey porn....it's everywhere, we have to instruct, protect, and heal people who are caught up in this."
When I was maybe a sophomore in HS my youth group was split into two groups by gender for classes on...really I have no idea what. The boys' class ended up being about their roles as leaders in the church, while the girls' class ended up being about sex ed. It was taught by a woman who was one of our favorite church ladies (and the mother of one of the boys) who was a school nurse. It got pretty graphic in there, but I don't really know that we got anything from it. Nothing moral or emotional was really discussed. We were just threatened with babies if any of us stepped outside the lines we were given. We giggled about it and told the boys that we had been told not touch them any more, especially their left knees, for reasons I can't remember.
In the work I do now, I have seen the great importance of good, all-encompassing sex ed. Basic "protect yourself" education is certainly in order, but I think more important than anything is teaching people to respect themselves and to respect their boundaries. It is such an important thing to teach people, especially young women, that they are important and worthwhile people both within and without their dating relationships. Having this level of self-respect gives people the option of demanding that their partners respect their boundaries and being able to leave a relationship that is unhealthy without fear.
And it is so important to be realistic in your demands. Abstinence is the best policy, but should not be the only option given to people. This leads to young people being afraid to ask questions. It is alright and good to encourage abstinence, but young people must be armed with information.
RE: "it screwed up my thinking when it comes to my married life"
I think what I was trying to say is that although I was a legalist and came into my marriage thinking I was a virgin, that in reality I have the mindset of someone who has had multiple partners.
Maybe not everyone is this way, but I have struggled with guilt, flashbacks, etc. from my previous sexual sins. That sometimes makes me treat my husband like he is one of those other guys, even though he would never treat me like they did. Also, when I start thinking negatively about myself I am a lot less interested in having sex no matter how flattering my husband is.
Another thing is that when you know you are doing something wrong it becomes pretty exciting, especially as part of teenage rebellion. It is hard to live up to that excitement factor after a decade of marital ups and downs, children, etc. Throw in inaccurate portrayals by the media and a good dose of porn when I was younger and that leads to lots of false expectations on my part. (This is also where Satan feeds into my negative thinking.)
It is probably even more complex than this, but this is what I am thinking off the top of my head right now.
I'm not sure it is realistic to tell them nothing beyond kissing, but it's hard to learn except by experience. For me, I think it would have been much more effective to have been taught that my worth comes from God than to be scared that I would get pregnant.
Sorry for the long post, hope it was helpful. I really appreciated your recent posts about porn.
http://nikinowell.blogspot.com/ has recently had some good posts along this line as well.
we've been doing a bible study on the book "real sex" by lauren winner - actually a study on chastity...but it has opened dialogue about our heritage's (cofc) teachings about sex. apparently not much. we've also talked a lot about making mistakes and how hiding them, internalizing them has caused a lot of damaged marriages. she has a lot to say about the community's responsibility toward's sex which is a interesting point. many of us said that it didn't matter WHAT our parents said, it was how they lived their life...if they were rolling their eyes for the duty of sex, then there was a mixed message that it was worth "waiting for" - either way we have decided to start talking about it more, and earlier. blessings to you as you teach this vital topic. everyone else is talking about it, it's time the church starts.
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