Oh Look...A Pregnant Belly
I was at a small conference yesterday and there was a woman there who was about six months pregnant (about the same as Allison). I was kind of gazing past her, lost in my own thoughts of having a second baby, when all of a sudden a guy walked up to her, put his hand on her shoulder, said something to her, and then touched her belly. The gentleman who touches her belly calls another guy over, mentions the "good old days" of having kids and the other guy reaches out and touches her belly.
Being the silent observer I was waiting for her to start blushing, recoil, or have some sort of awkward look on her face that would reveal her real desire to chop off their hands. But amazingly enough she seemed perfectly fine with it. I then overheard her say, with pride, that she can hardly walk through church anymore without people reaching out and touching her stomach. Wait a minute....I thought the touching belly uninvited era was over!
As an adult I have touched pregnant bellies on two women. The first one was our children's minister, Amy when she was pregnant with her first son. She is a really close friend, and at the time she was the first one of our ministry staff to take the baby plunge so she was kind of a novelty. During the staff meetings you could practically see Aidan playing baseball in her belly. My recollection was that she made me feel him move because I was so freaked out by it that she got a kick out of it. The second one is of course Allison's. Right now I don't get as much belly time as I did with Levi, because we are so busy, but I have long since moved past being freaked out and I now find it one of the most amazing things life has to offer...for me and my wife.
Back to the woman at our conference...My sense was that the tide among women had shifted to the following belly touching protocol:
1. Ask first.
2. I will tell you no.
3. You will feel awkward, but you shouldn't have asked.
But perhaps that's just a New York woman thing (I know that's not totally true example A | example B). I am sure some women find it endearing to be touched on their pregnant bellies by strangers and friends alike. And I do not call those sensibilities into question, all women should have a right to officiate their own bellies as they see fit. But I do find it odd that people feel inclined to assert themselves on a belly that doesn't belong to them by marriage or person-hood.
11 comments:
I absolutely hated it when someone did that to me (especially when I was no longer pregnant, lol.) But I've found myself doing it sometimes, just a quick lovepat or blessing kind of thing. And then I remember and am embarrassed. Can't take it back once it's done, though! Uh-oh, here comes that belly-toucher!
My wife had a grocery store checkout girl lean over the checkout to touch her belly -- without an invitation to do so. I remember that and other stories upsetting me a little. Pregnant or not, you don't go around touching other people's abdomens.
I'm sure there's a whole 'nother sub-topic about how people express themselves. Some are just physical, touchy-feely type people. Is that wrong? Should the touchy-feelies be shunned from society simply because they forget themselves sometimes and touch a pregnant belly?
Sorry. I just woke up and haven't had my coffee.
speaking of pregnant bellies, i would like to see a picture of allison's, please. i can pat it onscreen and you'll be none the wiser. ;)
I also came over on Joe's suggestion and because I love this topic. Working in Children's Ministry, I've spent some time around pregnant bellies, and I have always thought the touching to be weird. I'm not sure what it is about a tiny human life that makes people drop their boundaries. I always feel uncomfortable at the idea of touching a pregnant's woman's belly and generally don't ask.
Being pregnant opens you up to a whole range of social situations that would not happen otherwise. In some ways it's positive, like when strangers are more friendly and helpful. In most other ways, it's awkward at best...like people giving unwanted advice or telling horror stories ranging from their pregnancy, birth, or child-rearing experience. I never said no to someone who asked to touch my pregnant belly - but I would still like the option.
Another issue is strangers (I'm talking real strangers, not friends or family) who feel the need to touch babies - and they NEVER ask. People: touch their toes or leg or arm if you must - but don't touch their hands or face!
P.S. In addition to what Kenny said about the cashier: it wasn't so much the reaching across the counter to touch me that bothered me most - although it was weird; it was the fact that when she asked how old I was and I told her, she told me that I looked much older than that! Gee, thanks a lot!
along the lines of what kate said, people touching my baby's face/hands - or letting their snot-running-down-face-toddler touch them - is more of an issue for me. I don't have an problem with friends, family, and acquaintances touching my big (and i do mean BIG) belly. i might feel differently about a stranger.
enjoyed your blog! very true. i am 10 weeks pregnant with our third and was reminded again about how in just a few short months, my belly will go from "off-limits" to "community space". very strange b/c it still feels like my belly to me.
i remember standing next to my pregnant friend at church when a woman came up and THUMPED her belly and declared, "i think you're ripe!" very not cool!
Karen Heflin
Thanks Joe for the shout out, and to those of you who stopped by and weighed in on this topic.
Acombs I think you really articulated the sincerest desires of people who want to touch the pregnant belly. There seems to be this need outsiders have (and I include myself as an outsider) to make some sort of connection to the truly amazing and intimate thing taking place inside a woman's womb between mother and child. I am not treated like an outsider because of the relationship I have with Allison, but I still ask her if I can feel the baby, it's just polite even for a husband.
Oh and melon thumping....VERY not cool!
On a slightly related topic, I have no problem with women who breast-feed their children in public. The loose correlation between the two being that in the pregnant belly instance their state of mother-hood (which they cannot control) acts as an invitation for some people to impose their own desire to touch. And the nursing mother becomes an entity of awkwardness for other people, so some impose their own desire for the woman and child to remover themselves from observers presence. It's so interesting that people have this awkward feeling about a breast feeding woman because of it's potential for exposure (you know how unruly breasts are!), but they will touch a woman's stomach....just plain weird! In the end, the woman with child or nursing a child is subjected to the whims and preferences of others rather than the preferences of herself or her baby.
Finishing last sentence...
"And that's not the way it should be."
I would never touch a pregnant belly without asking - even my sisters in law - but after nine years of infertility, if I ever get to sport my own pregnant belly, I would say yes when people asked to touch. I understand being outside of the miracle, and wanting to connect with it somehow.
I have to say that it's still not ok in my neck of the woods. I hated uninvited belly touchers!
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