Parenting Judgments

We are all comparative with one another to some degree, and nothing brings out our comparative natures more than parenting. Pre-children I used to see parents out with little babies walking the streets in our neighborhood at 11:00 pm. I would comment to Allison how just ridiculous that was and I didn't understand how anyone could do that to a little baby. Of course six months into raising Levi we found ourselves coming home from an evening out with friends at around 11:00 pm one night. I remembered my snap judgments on other parents and realized that a little baby doesn't care where it is when it sleeps so out on the town was more stressful on our tired bodies than his.

The snap judgments continue though, some of them justified and some of them aren't. One that I did think was justified happened during the Youth Ministry conference I went to in November. Behind us sat three women and one had a baby that was about four months old. We were sitting about twenty rows from the front of the stage and prior to the program the baby was up laughing and interacting with people. Then the concert started, the lights began to do their concert thing, and people started cheering. The baby went still and eyes went wide while the full force of a rock concert bombarded all 6,000 of us in the main trade center floor. After about thirty minutes the baby fell asleep for the remaining two hours. Since my wife is a reader I knew that when babies become over-stimulated their only defense mechanism is to fall asleep. That's what this baby did.

I was able to push out the thought of the damage done to the ears of this child and I largely forgot about them sitting behind us. Until the evening program where we found ourselves sitting in front of the same group once again. Mind you it is really loud and afterwards there was a distinct ringing in your ears that lasted for a while. The same thing played out with the baby as before. It was all I could do to not turn around and tell that woman she had no business bringing a small baby in a concert like this, but I didn't. Should I have, probably not...I guess.

A person might say that riding a bike with your two-year old on the back in New York City isn't the safest thing to do in the world. And they would be right, but (and here's the rub) I feel fine with it. One time on the subway Levi was chewing on a pen (9 months old) and a man said he shouldn't be doing that. I said, he's fine and just stood there. He looked at me and said, "I am a doctor and I have seen kids choke on pens and your son could die." That pissed me off, so I looked him squarely in the eyes and said, "I think he will be fine." To which he responded, "I am just trying to warn you, your son could die right here." I wanted to punch him in the face. Not because he was wrong, but because he was telling me my son could die! But people are strangely forthright with their comments on how your kid is dressed if it's cold out, or other kinds of things here in the City. They are also very complementary and say "God bless you," all the time when they see you with a baby or a toddler.

A concert and bike riding are relatively tame issues. Bring up issues of education (home-school), nannies (7 days a week), nutrition (organic or Doritos), TV (only 6 hours a day), health (vaccines, circumcision), movies (Harry Potter), or a whole host of other things can really bring out the passions of people. If you are a parent no matter how strong your "libertarian" streak is, you have probably found yourself exclaiming "WHAT!" at the revelation of how your friend or neighbor is parenting their kids.

It's hard to be dispassionate about children. I don't think that we should become that way. But we do have to be really careful in making snap judgments on each other (unless of course you suspect abuse, neglect, or sexual trauma---then the gloves should come off). Instead we need to tread with grace and humility, which most of the time I don't have when I feel like others are doing something with their kids that I don't agree with. Which is why I stay quite.

PS: Any of you parents that I know who are reading this blog...I think you're great parents. That includes you mom!

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